Suggestions for a more Successful Middle-Age or 21 Rules & Regulations for those recently Middle-Aged!

The Middle-Aged Man :

1. Should generally always be found wearing a shirt – the folds create a visual distortion partially hiding the belly

2. Should generally always be found wearing well made shoes – cheap shoes are unbecoming of a man for who time has become so costly a commodity

3. Should drive a car – waiting for buses is a preoccupation of the young and very old

4. Should generally only have sugar based products after a dinner and never as a snack although Christmas is an exception – everyone knows that the middle-aged man’s addiction to sugar is just a yearning for his mother and her sweet breast milk

5. Should generally avoid animal fats although Sundays is an exception – the general attempt to banish the insecurities of middle-age with a butter croissant with butter on it, or with a mound of sausages, is bound to failure.

6. Should generally avoid processed foods – the middle-aged and microwaves at first seem a perfect match but inevitably end in depressive meals for one with no run up

7. Should generally never inhale smoke of any sort except on special occasions like such things as parties, special birthdays etc – such a quaint and traditional pastime for those bereaved of their youth but with diminishing returns and assorted horrible side-effects

8. Should generally drink alcohol only when necessary due to work or friends or special occasions – alcohol is for some the only potential left in their youthless bodies, but leads to states of mind that contravene most of rules & regulations of the middle-aged so therefore should be avoided whenever possible

9. Should generally not be found out in young persons ‘cool’ clubs at early hours in the morning – if this a problem get a kind friend to video you hanging around in the background pretending to dance to an unknown new genre of music and then post it on YouTube for everyone you know and don’t know to comment on it and laugh.

10. Should generally have completed two exercise sessions a week lasting more than 45 minutes – chasing after a ball with the kids or walking up the stairs at work don’t generally count as exercise unless you are obese or over 60.

11. Should generally be worried about the strength of his core and do pilates, yoga or alternative – unless you want be bent over double like a hairpin bend when you are 60

12. Should generally not spend too much of his waking thoughts worrying about his previous younger days – like the dirty hot water from a jacuzzi you had with 21 year old twin sisters which has disappeared down the plug hole, your youth is now no more than a memory that brings on an erection – so let it pass and it will fade.

13. Should generally be found to be positive about his new middle age stage of life and accept the beauty and challenges it bestows on him equally – wise sayings are twenty and penny but it has been proven by men in white coats that life is indeed a rollercoster – so get on and laugh at the top and scream as you head for the bottom and then repeat every time until the ride comes to an end.

14. Should quite frequently be found thinking and planning about his and his family’s financial future – jack the lad is no more and winning the lottery is not a solid financial vehicle for your future financial security

15. Should generally have visited his GP at least once a year for a health checkup and should know his blood levels – putting off the doctor in middle-age is like putting off your mortgage payments – it will inevitably end in tears.

16. Should generally have visited the dentist at least once and year and should generally have flossed at least three times a week – bad teeth in middle-age can only go one way , awful teeth in old age – so make peace with your dentist and prepare to leave a decent set behind

17. Should generally live in an area where community is strong and local is celebrated – if you moved to a trendy urban area before being middle-aged then you will now be wondering how the place went down hill so quickly even though it is the same dirty lively place it was when you moved there

18. Should generally not pretend not to be middle aged – being seen on a bmx or skateboard on the weekend with your white fronts showing will lead others to accuse you of meanness for using your son’s possessions without permission.

19. Should generally be happy with the responsibilities bestowed on him by middle age and which he was unable to shoulder when younger – as true as it is that you can not do now what you did when you were young, it is also true to say that what you can do now you could not have done when you were young.

20. Should generally be able to lean on others for emotional support and be leant on by others – on an island no one can hear you scream so build at least one connecting bridge to the mainland

21. Should generally and most definitely ignore the ‘call of the wild’ feeling he gets in his chest when seeing good looking women – this feeling is not a call to action but should be an example of how human beings have created civilisations through the ability to defer pleasure and value the deeper long term benefits of the long game choices we make – and additionally not look like a foolish old lion chasing a young gazelle and tripping mane first into a large pile of zebra dung